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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Lauren's LiveJournal:

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    Sunday, September 15th, 2002
    10:33 am
    gosh, it's been a really long time. i've been writing everything in my blog and have forgotten about my lj. typically, this lj is for the things that i want to say but cant say in my blog because my friends read my blog. but you know what? ive grown to become more honest and open in there. there was something i could've written in here last week that i couldn't have written in there, but it's past now, and i just don't feel like venting anymore. i'm happy now.
    Saturday, July 20th, 2002
    5:06 pm
    dear chris,
    on the day you and i celebrated our birthdays together, i realized more and more how much i love you. it's not even the romantic kind of love that we both desire. only a simple friendship kind of love that has made my life turn into the beautiful starry night sky. to think that what we have is a real and honest love makes my world turn. i'll never love you romantically, but what we have now is perfect, and i want it to stay this way forever because it's all we need right now.

    i've gone through moments when i had to ponder over how much i really needed or wanted you in my life. i've had my strange moments when i thought i wasn't happy enough with you as if i had higher standards of my emotions when with you. sometimes, i didn't want you to call me to ask me to hang out knowing that neither of us could use our household cars. and when i don't hear your voice for more than i day, then i miss you terribly. and when i don't see you for more than two days, then i miss you even more.

    things changed again last wednesday when we celebrated our birthdays. you came to my house at 10am in the morning when my siblings were still asleep and when i wasn't ready yet. when you showed up, i told you i had to finish getting ready. and you told me i looked perfectly fine and that there's "no more to get ready with." i guess it just makes me feel better about myself when someone tells me that. no one really ever does though.

    even though we just sat at my computer downloading and burning songs, i had fun. it's the little things we do like these that make my days so much better. even when we aren't doing anything, we're never bored together. we make each other laugh. we make each other smile. and that's all you and i really need right now.

    god and i love how we're so casual and so at ease with each other. how we can hug and cuddle and touch each other with no sexual tension involved. and i love how you love hanging out with my younger siblings too. how you don't mind driving them and letting them celebrate with us. i love it how you find the littlest things amusing. or how something completely unexpected comes out of your mouth, and it just sounds really funny. and we both laugh really hard even though it actually wasn't that funny. but to us it was. i love those moments.

    i adore your little quirks. and i love how you adore mine too. i love our plentiful inside jokes because even though they're all really stupid and strange, they're funny to us and only us. it's things like these that reassure me of our amazing friendship.

    i can't even begin to tell you how much it moves me to hear and watch you play the piano. i don't know what it is. but when you play certain things on my piano at home, a smile always spreads across my face. not out of force. i it's because you have such a raw talent. raw passion. it's so real and so true, but i don't know if you're aware of that. i don't know if you're aware that the passion bleeds through your fingertips when you play. everything just comes out of your soul. especially when you make up music as you're playing. that's when i know it's real. that's when i know how truly beautiful you are inside regardless of your faults.

    you've taught me that i can love someone unconditionally. that i can love someone and not care so much about his faults, but be in awe of all the beauty beneath his exterior. neither i nor anyone else ever thought you'd be the one person to make a difference in my life. it's because we're so different, and i suppose i have to admit that i'm the "better half." but you did make a difference. i positive difference. a beautiful and amazing one that i don't think i'll ever be able to forget. you showed me beauty. reality. happiness. love. passion. friendship. music. you showed me so many of the things i need in life. the things that come for free.

    after the wonderful day we spent together doing little things that i enjoy doing only with you, we spoke to each other online and had one of our better and longer conversations. we professed how much fun we had. and said thank you a thousand times, and that's when i knew how good of a friendship we have. because in all honest, we didn't do anything that big. we were supposed to celebrate our birthdays, and we did the things that we always normally do, but we had so much fun. *so much fun.* the kind of fun that only you and i could have together doing nothing and everything wonderful at the same time.

    it's 3 days after that day now, and we talked to each other for a bit this morning. you told me you missed me. and that little comment made me smile. because it's only been three days. but we miss each other like crazy, and all we want is to see each other. i guess i sound like we're both in love. we love. but we're not in love. that's how i like it. i like loving you like this. i love being able to miss just your presence and your laughter. it's better to miss that than to miss intimacy and romance and sweet kisses.

    if you were straight, i don't know if i'd love you in the same way. i'm thinking that i would because your sexuality doesn't play a part in my emotions for you. or the friendship we have. i love you for who you are. i'm not friends with you because you're gay and you like boys just as well as i do. thenagain, i think you would be the first person i'd fall in love with until i realize that my love for you is just the kind i have for you right now. the kind that doesn't require romance and intimacy.

    but who cares about the "what if's"? i love you now, and i'll love you 'till the end. i'll love you for who you are. your passion. your laughter. and the way you make me laugh and smile in return.

    love always,
    12:01 pm
    i've been writing in my blog a lot lately which is why i haven't been writing in here at all. my friends in "real life" read that blog, so if there's ever something i don't feel comfortable writing in there, then i'll write it in here. that's only when i need to vent about someone i know personally. however, i'm growing to be more and more honest in my more public blog, so i don't know about how often i'll be writing in this lj.
    Thursday, June 20th, 2002
    1:42 pm
    no day but today
    i haven't written in here for awhile because i've been writing in my blog way to much. i'm going to use this journal for simply the deep and personal emotional stuff. the stuff that i'm not ready for people i really know to know about. my sister reads my blog, and she's the last person i want to be reading about my deepest and darkest feelings.

    i miss chris. it's been a little more than a week since i last saw him, and i won't see him again for another week and a half. i've been bored and lonely without his presence. he called me last night, but we could only talk for a couple of minutes because he had to go back to his dorm room. when he called me, my face just lit up. it was so good to hear from made me happy. when i got that phone call, i realized how much i love and adore him. it will never be a romantic kind of love, but it IS love. it's a kind of love that exists that not many people are aware of. sure, people find others that they can feel attached to. and people can find one person that they are IN LOVE with(with a lot of searching to do). but people don't find others they can love like this who is not part of their family. what chris and i share is love. we'll never be in love, but what we have is a love that does exist. we're emotionally attached. and in other ways, we are physically attached. we care about each other, and we say "i love you" to each other. it's real, and it's natural. it's not like i had to prep for saying "i love you" to him for the first time. i still desire that romantic kind of love that everyone wishes for, but what chris and i have is something special...i know that for sure.
    Saturday, June 15th, 2002
    8:25 pm
    i was just reading an unsent letter which was supposedly to chris. i kept it private in this journal. but i reread it, and it was weird. i wrote it back in February, and i was talking about how much chris revealed himself to me. now that he and i are best friends and that it's 4 months later, i really didn't know him at all. i thought i did, but i was really only scratching the surface. everything i said was true except that he didnt reveal himself to me back then. he revealed such a miniscule part of him to me. i talked about how if i ever loved him, he could never love me back in the way that i desire to be loved. but my last line said that i was 100% sure that we'd find some sort of love for each other. THAT'S TRUE. we did find a real kind of love for each other. a kind of love that only friends share. it may not be romantic, but it's *real*. we do love each other.
    Wednesday, June 12th, 2002
    3:32 pm
    i just went out to lunch with chris and two other friends. chris was being sooooo annoying. he was constantly bitching and just being really obnoxious. he has the mouth of a sailor, i tell ya. he was worse than usual, and i didn't really like it. i can't believe i tolerate him so well. i love him...i really do, but sometimes, he just gets so annoying. i don't understand why he's so weird, loud, and obnoxious sometimes. he's either really selfless and treats and a girl RIGHT...other times, he doesn't have a whole lot of respect. maybe i'm pissed because it's that time of the month, but i didn't feel like tolerating it today. argh.
    Saturday, June 8th, 2002
    11:22 pm
    i started my own blogger, and that's why i haven't written in here all week. That blogger is visible to my "real life" friends. This one is private, and no one I know in real life knows about this. Even then, I still use fake names and places in this one. For some reason, I'm just afraid that someone I know will come across this journal...even though I know it'll never happen. I don't feel ready to talk about the such personal and private stuff in my blogger(which is available to my friends). So that's what this is for...for now.

    I went to a concert(no name will be provided...i'm a freak) yesterday with Chris. It was so much fun. It was his idea to go, and I didn't think I would like it just because this concert wasn't really going to be my type. But I went with him anyways...afterall, I payed for the tickets. Anyhow, we went to dinner before that and waitd around in the train station for like 45 minutes. it was really...nice. like nice nice. this could be really bad, but i felt like we were on a date. we went to the restaurant, and he held the door for me. he pulled out my chair for me and pushed it back in when i sat down. then he ordered for me because apparently, those are proper manners. it's just WEIRD because i've never been on a date before, and i'm not used to being treated so kindly. it was just he and i together, so it felt like a date. it wasn't weird. it felt normal and comfortable. but i guess that under the circumstances we were in, that's what a date is like. he gets so sweet and cuddly with me. through our actions and our words, we look and sound like we're dating. it was like that all night. we'll always only be together as friends. that's how it'll always be, and that's how i'll always want it to be. it's just that...seeing how wonderful it is to be treated like a girlfriend makes me want to be one.

    my other guy friend had a little get together at his house tonight. it was a lot of fun. it wasn't the best fun, but i enjoyed it, and i'm glad i went. chris showed up around 9 because he wasn't initially invited, but he called me at my friend's house and ended up coming for about an hour. i'm glad he did. we were sitting on the basement couch with everyone, and...i felt even more like a girlfriend. i was sitting in his arms, and he was running his fingers up and down my right arm for at least 15 minutes nonstop. and he'd keep hugging me. and he held my hand for another 10 minutes or so. we looked like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. i've never been through that physical situation before, and the fact that it was with a gay best friend makes things i don't know how to explain it. i hate saying that chris is my "practice" guy. that's not how it is, but in some ways, that's what it feels like. i really don't know what i'm talking about anymore. i loved how it felt, but obviously, there was no romantic feelings attached. it just made me see how it must feel like to be in love. to have someone cuddle with you.

    i'm not saying that i wish chris were straight. i would never wish upon it because being gay is his sexuality, and that's something you just can't change. it's part of who he is. it's one of those permanent things. he treats me like a girlfriend. i feel like i'm his girlfriend, sometimes. the only thing is that we're not in love. we love each other, but we're not in love, and we'll never be in love. i really don't know what my point is. yes i do. the point is that in spite of all that i'm saying about how wonderful it feels, i don't wish he were straight because i love him for who he is.
    Friday, May 31st, 2002
    8:29 pm
    wow this is bad
    i felt slightly attracted to chris today. or maybe i didn't feel attracted or lustful. maybe i just WANTED someone. someone to cuddle with. someone to kiss. he looked fucking good today though. i've always thought he was kind of handsome, but he was like really really good-looking today. he was wearing shorts, which i never thought i'd see him in(i don't know why). he has nice legs. they're like PERFECT guy legs because they're not skinny, and they're not fat. and he had his hair gelled which looks so good on him. he smelled so good too...his cologne was strong today. this is bad. i know i'm not falling for him. he's gay for God's sake, and he's my best friend, so i know i'll never fall for him. if i did, i'd be really pathetic because it would just be wrong.

    we were sitting on his couch watching a movie today, and i had that urge to lean on him and cuddle with him and have his arm around me...basically all that stuff that people who are dating do. he's perfect for all that cuddling business because he's not skinny or fat. i just had that urge, you know? i could have done it in that straight girl/gay best friend sort of way. i was just afraid it would've been weird just because we were watching a movie in the dark. my feelings are strange. i know i will never really fall for him because i CAN'T fall for him. i can never have him in that sort of way. i think i'm just so badly desiring to be with a boy. i'm so badly desiring to feel those crazy teenage feelings of "love" or maybe even real love. i feel ready to be in a relationship, but i know i won't be in one for awhile because i'm not allowed to date.

    i know he's gay, but everything is always just so perfect between us that i wish we didn't just love each other. i wish we were IN LOVE. we do love each other, but only has friends, and that's how it's always going to be because it can't be any other way. the truth is that when i'm with him, i feel like i'm "WITH" him. he treats me like a princess. he drives me everywhere- always picking me up and taking me home. he always pays for me when we go out. he hugs me, he kisses my cheeks, and i feel so secure and so protected when i'm with him because he's like 6'2" and is not skinny. when we're together, we're so happy. he makes me smile. not only that, but we look like we're together. i'm like his dog on a leash vice versa.

    he smelled so good though...argh.

    i feel sorry to say that the first boy i ever loved wasn't the kind of love that every teenage girl dreams of. it was an unconditional love that only boy/girl best friends share. We're like a Dawson and Joey except we don't fight and we have never and will never share romance. We're more fun than them too. But it is unconditional love. I know that much.
    Thursday, May 30th, 2002
    2:44 pm
    it's almost over
    one more final to go. just one more...and that's gonna be on monday. no finals tomorrow! so i'm excited...i basically have a 3 and a half day weekend. i'll probably have to study for math though. it's really weird that the summer is already here. it doesn't feel like it should be summer yet. it seems too soon. i'm kind of going to miss this school year though. i'm glad to be leaving part of the school year behind- like math, spanish, and all of my other stresses, but there were parts of school that i just loved. there were good people in some of my classes. i miss socializing. i miss a lot of the seniors. i'm sad that this year is over.

    what i'm going to miss a lot are the daily routines i had with chris. i'm going to miss meeting having theory class with him. i'm going to miss listening to his compositions during class. i'm going to miss picking him up after third period to walk him to the cafeteria so we could buy food before fourth. i'm going to miss meeting him after fifth period to walk him to his math class. i'm going to miss walking him to the bathroom(yes i've had to walk him to the bathroom). i'll miss his hugs and kisses. i'll miss walking in on his practice sessions in the orchestra room. there are just a lot of routinely things like that that i won't go through next year. maybe i will, just in a different order, different time, different circumstances. i still have this summer with him(but we're both going to be gone a lot), and of course next school year. i just imagine it's going to be different.

    i'm really looking forward to this summer though. i don't have anything agonizing to do. i'll continue on with my college search, and i'll hopefully go on some college visits. other than that, i have vacation. i'm going to be working on the musical, but i know that's going to be fun. chris will be in it. it'll be a blast. i'm also going to the National Student Leadership Conference in Washington DC in August for Health/Medicine. I'm so psyched for that. so yeah, i think it'll be a good summer. :)
    Sunday, May 26th, 2002
    2:52 pm
    chris called me this morning at 7:20. he did the same yesterday. it was EARLY. who wakes someone up over a long weekend two days in a row? i didn't mind though. he asked me to go out for breakfast with him this morning at this local hangout. it was nice. he showed up at my house at 8am with a starbucks grande latte just for me. then he bought my breakfast. he's my best friend, and he's gay. he shouldn't be paying for me. lol. in spite of the fact that he called me soooo early two days in a row and woke me up from my deep sleeps, i really don't mind. i don't mind because it's chris, and i tolerate him. i love him too much to care when he wakes me up. it's weird. if anyone else called me that early, i would have been pissed. now i realize how incredible of a friendship we have. for me to not care about his mistakes and annoyances is amazing.

    i'm beginning to realize how much i cherish the little moments we share. we've never really experienced anything monumental and great together. the times we sit on each other's couches and watch tv is special to me. the times when he wakes me up early in the morning to take me out to breakfast are the sweetest things. or just BEING with each other. we've had one deep and important conversation together. that conversation made us so much closer, but we never referred to it ever again. but when i think of chris, i won't think of that conversation. i'll think of the little times we share. the fun we have just being together. i'll remember his hugs and his kisses. i'll remember how understanding we are of each other in spite of our major differences.

    i sound like we won't be together anymore. i dunno. i guess i was just thinking about how the seniors are graduating, and everyone is going to part their own ways and live their own lives. many of them will forget even their closest friends, which is sad. now i wonder what will happen between chris and i. he asked me a couple of weeks ago, "what am i gonna do without you when you're off to college? we might never see each other again." i don't think that'll happen. what i do know is that, as horrible of me to say this is, i'm going to go off to some top university and get the education i'm longing to get. i'm going to be successful in my own way. i'm going to live life the way i want to live it. i'm going to experience all these amazing things that i could never have gotten here. as for chris, God only knows what'll happen to him. i have so much faith in him that he'll end up somewhere good in life and that he won't throw it away. it's just a matter of him believing in himself and getting to wherever he wants to go. i just don't KNOW. we're on separate paths, yet somehow, we unite. whatever happens, i'll never forget him.
    Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
    7:20 pm
    cable modem, yay!
    yay, i just got a cable modem! the internet is so fast now. and now, downloading songs is no longer agonizing because i only have to wait a couple of minutes at the most. i love it.

    i'm just starting to realize how amazing of a friendship chris and i have. over the last few days, i've found out that we ARE best friends. people talk shit about him all the time. he has problems...psychological ones, school ones, relationship ones, etc. everything snowballs and has caused his life to be like shit. because of medications and a lot of masking, chris appears to be this really happy kid who's always giving people hugs and enjoying gay life. it's as if being gay and loving music IS his life...which really isn't. he just makes it seem as if it is. my life is the complete opposite. i've never been raped, been a victim of a hate crime, and i've never been abused in any sort of way. i'm innocent, i'm academic, and i have this wonderful future waiting ahead of me. chris doesn't really have that. we're on complete ends of the spectrum. in spite of our many and major differences and the completely different lives we live and will be living, we are still somehow best friends. i think it's because we balance each other out, and we regulate each other. we prevent each other from going truly insane. i make sure he doesn't do or say malicious things, and i let him know that there's someone out there who truly cares about him. and he makes sure i don't get way to carried away with school and that i'm not overworking myself. he brings out the sweet and lovable side of me, and shows me that i can be a good friend to someone- that being him.

    i've found out that he can be a very malicious person. apparently, he lies, takes advantage of people, and can be manipulative. he can be posessive and dominant. he can be rebellious and lazy. i know all this. i'm aware of all of this. but it doesn't stop me from being best friends with him. he exposes the true and real side of him to me. he's not bad to me. he's good to me. he doesn't lie, he doesn't treat me like shit, etc. it was hard for me to believe that he can be like this to other people. and while it does tend to cause me doubt when i hear these things, i remember that he has psychological problems. he needs someone that's going to truly love him and be loyal to him.

    chris told me to my face one day when i confronted him about something that he knows he has issues and he knows that everyone feels the need to warn me about him, so according to him, i should be "careful" around him because he might end up hurting me some day, but it would never be intentional. and i am being careful. i won't let him take advantage of me. i won't let him screw me over in life. at the same time, we can still be best friends because somehow, everything always works out between us. chris has warned me about one other person, and about 10 million people have talked shit about him to my face and has in one way or another "warned" me about him. i think i'm still doing alright.
    Sunday, May 19th, 2002
    6:12 pm
    prom night
    so my day started out by getting my hair done, and yes, it was gorgeous. i got home, got ready- makeup, dress, jewelry, my own pictures, etc. my date picked me up, and it was all good. nothing special or bad with him because we're friends, and we have the same group of friends too. so it felt normal. it wasn't "nice." it was normal and comfortable. so then we went to our pre-prom party where we had snacks and took pictures. that was nice. i'm sad that not everyone went, but that's ok. it was good nonetheless.

    so then we went to school to check in and board our buses. i saw chris with his other "date friend". they couldn't go to our pre-prom because their parents wanted to take their pictures separately. they were also going with andrew as a 3's couple. it's a complicated situation. so anyways, i saw chris, and he was in a bitchy mood because of andrew and whatever. i didn't get it. we had assigned buses, so we weren't on the same bus. but apparently, andrew broke up with chris on the bus going to prom...which is very very rough. it basically ruined everything for chris. i felt bad. yet again, i can understand why andrew broke up with him...just not on prom night. so anyways, i didn't even get to spend much time at all with chris, especially since our tables were like 5 miles apart. i had a talk with him for about 10 minutes when he vented and i just listened. besides that, we hugged, kissed, said hi's and bye's, etc. i'm sad. i didn't even get any pictures with him!

    it was weird though. i became friends with andrew when he and chris started dating again(they hated each other when they were apart for about 6 months). i never really felt a connection between he and i. but i hung out with him all throughout prom night from pre-prom until 12 noon today. since pre-prom, i've grown to like him a lot. and i became much better friends with him. it's just weird that it happened after he and chris broke up. they're both gonna need to understand that i'm not going to stop being friends with either of them. i'm not going to get in between them and be part of their hostility. i'm so much better friends with chris because we share this really special friendship that is unique and different from all others. but i've grown very fond of andrew.
    Saturday, May 18th, 2002
    9:19 am
    PROM NIGHT!!!!!!!!
    yes, that's right everyone, today is prom, and i'm freakin' excited. i'm gonna have soooo much fun. i get my hair done in 2 hours. that's one of the most fun parts. lol. i enjoy getting my hair done. it's gonna be a long day and night, but it'll be good. i just can't wait to hang out with all of my friends. it's a big night. my dress is so pretty. i'm crazy about it. lol. my hair will be pretty. i hope i can do my makeup right. and everything else will be good too. i just hope nothing goes wrong tonight. only bad thing is that i'm currently surfing the crimson tide. ;) it sucks.

    rachmaninoff's 2nd piano concerto is beyond amazing. i've been obsessed with it for a couple of months, but it's sooooo good and so hard. we played the 2nd movement in orchestra for our concert 2 nights ago. it was truly incredible. i want to play it so bad. this song is so me though. :)

    Current Mood: excited
    Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
    8:36 pm
    i just want this week to pass by. it's going by so slowly though. i've had test after test, AP exam after AP exam and all this other stuff to worry about. once friday ends, i'll be sooooo relaxed. i'll only have 1 final to REALLY worry about, and that's math. my english and spanish finals won't be much to worry about, thank god. once this week is over, it'll be prom. and i'll be happy and relaxed again. i've been so stressed out about school, especially this semester. and all i want is for it to be over again. i haven't had real fun in a long time. prom will be the first time i will have had fun in a long time. i'm so stressed out right now. after friday, it'll be all gone.

    i'm currently obsessed with Brahms' piano trio, especially the first movement.
    Saturday, May 11th, 2002
    8:50 pm
    i'm tired
    i'm soooo tired right now. i woke up at 6:30 to leave for milwaukee at 7:45, so i could be at my cousin's confirmation by 9 or 9:15. after her confirmation, we went out to lunch. then i left to drive another hour and 15 minutes back home to have my tutoring session. then i went straight to the mall to pick up some new makeup for prom next week. then went home for 2 minutes to pick up my family to have dinner since my mom is working tomorrow. and now i'm home.

    shopping for new makeup is so much fun, especially when a retail woman helps you find it and actually applies the makeup on your face. i got MAC makeup today for the first time ever. i got eye shadow, lip laquer, and lip liner. fun stuff. i'm really excited. lol. prom is gonna be sooooo much fun. it's already in a week exactly.

    i have my AP exams next week. just biology and music theory, so it actually won't be that big of a deal. i really need to study for biology though.

    anyways, i'm tired, and i need some serious rest.
    Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
    7:29 pm
    i feel like it's been awhile since i last wrote in here. i wasn't really home at all last weekend, and i've been super busy the last couple of weeks...and will be the next couple of weeks to come. it's hard to believe that prom is already in a week and a half. that's like...nothing. i'm almost set actually. i officialized my dress, and it's being altered right now. i have shoes, a hairstyle that i'm almost 100% i'm gonna go for(and a hair appointment of course), 2 purses to choose from, and jewelry. i might buy a couple of new makeup products just because i haven't bought any in a long time.

    this girl in my school died last week. it's so tragic. she was involved in a freak accident. she was visiting her sister in college and was sleeping in one of the dorms. it was a warm weekend, and i guess the window(with no screen) just happened to be open. it was level to the bed she was sleeping in(typical college dorm), and she woke up in the middle of the night, half asleep, to go to the bathroom. she was so disoriented that she accidently fell out of the window 4 stories high. she was on life support for a couple of days until she died. it's so tragic. i knew her in junior high, but after that, i hardly ever saw her around. i went to her memorial service today, and even with that being said, it hasn't really sunken in yet. i feel like i've been numb about it.

    anyways, i should be writing my english essay right now...
    Saturday, May 4th, 2002
    11:03 pm
    change of plans
    so i'm actually going with david now. it's official. we payed, we're listed as dates, we have a table, etc. i'm sooooooooo excited. prom is gonna be so much fun this year since i'll be tabling with all of my friends. i'm still worried about my dress though. when i try it on and when i look at it in my closet, i think it's like the most beautiful dress ever. but i saw it at the department store today, and it looked...almost ugly. i don't know what it was that made it look uglier. if i find a prettier dress, then i'll get it. i'm shopping tomorrow.

    the musical is all over now. i'm sad and happy. it turned out to be a lot of fun, but it wasn't like last year. it wasn't as fun, but it wasn't terribly bad either.
    Monday, April 29th, 2002
    10:12 pm
    looks like i have a prom date...sort of. jj was asked to prom by david like 2 weeks ago. she just started dating john last friday, and he doesn't have a date. everyone still wants him to go, so they all suggested that he and i go together if jj doesn't want to hurt david's feelings. it's complicated. so i'm going with him to prom as "dates," but not really. either way, i'm going...dateless or not.

    i'm so freakin' tired right now. i had rehearsal until 7:30 today, and i've had homework. the musical isn't as stressful as it has been in the past. i think i've learned how to deal with such a busy schedule that it's normal for me now.

    wow, i love hanging out with chris. he is the best. i never realized that gay boys have such good taste in clothing for girls. they know what looks good. i have so much fun with him though. he and i are living and leading completely different lives. we're not the same people as far as our lives go. i work my ass off for the sake of my future and myself, and he doesn't do anything. we're such different people, yet somehow, we connect. i think we're such good friends because we balance each other out. we regulate each other. he brings out the devilish and fun side of me. and i try to make him work harder. it's like we look out for each other. we take care of each other.
    Sunday, April 28th, 2002
    9:05 pm
    looks like i'm officially going to prom! i have 2 dateless friends officially coming with me. i'm still working on like 3 more people. wish me luck. we just need to figure out who we're sitting with at our tables. tickets go on sale tomorrow until wednesday. yikes. this whole prom thing is confusing. it'd be easier if i had a date.

    i don't feel like writing right now, so i'm just gonna stop here.
    Friday, April 26th, 2002
    4:20 pm
    prom still sucks
    i'm still depressed over the whole prom thing. if i could get at least 2 of my dateless friends to come, then i'd be alright. i'd be happiest if i went with jeff or chris, but nooooooooo. speaking of chris, i just spent the last 3 days with him. we hung out for like 3 hours after testing/before rehearsal, and for about 4 hours after rehearsal last night. it was a lot of fun because i hadn't spent time w/ him outside of school before. even though he's gay, i wish i could go to prom with him. if only he didn't promise his other girl friend to go with her, i'd be so much happier. do you know how much happier? because then i wouldn't have to worry about anything. there'd be no sexual tension...or the worry to look like a couple. we're best friends, and he's gay, so i'd be so much more comfortable. plus i wouldn't have to worry about looking extra extra pretty, even though i would have looked my prettiest anyways. uggghhhhhhhhh!!!!! i'm so annoyed with prom. i wanna go sooooooooooo badly. i know it's shallow, but it's PROM for God's sake. i don't understand why my dateless friends don't want to go.

    geez, i love being friends with chris. we mesh so well. we went shopping on wednesday after testing, and he found the coolest and hippest coat ever. it was a coat that i never though i could wear, but he insisted that it looked supercute on me. we became obsessed with it. then it turned out to be $17 when it was once $250. can you believe that?! we're so going shopping more often. we're such different people though in many respects, but somewhere down the line, we connect. we still have similarities, like music of course...and shopping and boys. lol. but we have some major differences in each of our lives and in our personalities, and because of all that, it's like we balance each other out. i love him. hehehe.
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